


Dinner and a Movie

by The_Plaid_Slytherin



Category: Nero Wolfe - Rex Stout
Genre: Awkward Dates, Case Fic, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-23
Updated: 2014-12-23
Packaged: 2018-03-03 02:28:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2834816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Plaid_Slytherin/pseuds/The_Plaid_Slytherin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Saul and Archie have Friday night plans. Wolfe throws a wrench in the works.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dinner and a Movie

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nestra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nestra/gifts).



> I think I'm in love with this pairing now. :) I hope you like it. Happy holidays!
> 
> Thanks to tigerbright for the beta and reassurance.

When I die, I'm leaving my money to Nero Wolfe. It all used to be his anyway, so I'm sure he'd like it back when I meet what is sure to be a sticky end in his service. I just have to think of all the hoops he'll have to jump through before he gets the dough. One of them is going to have to be giving Saul Panzer a letter explaining my undying love and apologizing for not leaving him a cent. He probably doesn't need it, and I think he'll understand, after all that we've gone through in the name of stipulations in wills. 

I was coming up with this afterlife plan while I was crouched in a boat between Saul and a giant tortoise, the rain pouring off the brim of my hat. I don't think you'd blame me for having a little bit of resentment for my employer. After all, I had given up a hot date for this. 

I had come narrowly close to escaping this fate. It was a Friday evening, just after six. I'd felt too guilty sneaking out while Wolfe was with his orchids, so I'd given him plenty of firm warning throughout the week. I'd said I was spending the night away from the brownstone. I wasn't telling him where I could be reached, but he could have his pick of Fred, Orrie, or Johnny if he needed anything. I didn't include Saul's name in this speech, because he couldn't have Saul. Saul was mine. 

You see, recently, Saul Panzer and I have discovered something of a mutual attraction. Namely, we're nuts about each other, so we're giving the dinner-and-a-movie thing a try. We were spending the night at his place and I had every expectation of knocking his socks off and having mine knocked off in return.

I was just popping into the office to say so-long to Wolfe. I'd planned this out like an amphibious invasion. He'd be just back at his desk as I was leaving, thus I couldn't be accused of going AWOL, but he wouldn't be settled in enough to give me some other task to perform. Saul was picking me up at six-fifteen, but I'd wait on the street if I had to—I was leaving, and that was that. 

I opened the office door. There was a young woman in the red chair. "Oh hell," I said.

"Archie," Wolfe admonished. 

Normally, I'm not this rude. But after a couple of weeks with no business, of course _now_ would be the time fate saw fit to provide us with a client.

"I apologize for my assistant's vulgarity, Miss Kent. This is Mr. Goodwin, who doesn't normally dress or act that way." 

That way? I looked down at myself. I thought I looked pretty sharp. The suit was a new cut, the hat was the same old one I always wore, and the tie was colorful and seldom worn, but certainly not objectionable Friday evening wear. Maybe I wasn't dressed like a banker, but neither was I shocking. 

"I have an appointment," I reminded him. 

"Whatever foppishness you have to attend to will have to wait. We have a client." This when I realized that he'd been entertaining Miss Kent alone for several minutes. He _needed_ me to stay. I smiled. 

"All right, sir." I made my way over to my desk, deposited myself in the chair and took up my notebook. "I suppose I can spare some minutes." 

"I don't mean for you to keep your date waiting," Miss Kent said. 

Wolfe answered for me. "It won't be a problem. For Mr. Goodwin, a date can be broken as easy as it is made, I'm sure."

I grit my teeth. I had ten minutes to make this end. 

"This isn't about me," Miss Kent began. "I don't care what happens to me. But I want to ensure Alice's safety." 

I listened and took notes, too lulled by routine to remain annoyed.

Miss Kent had once been engaged to marry a Mr. Jeremy Harris, nephew of the late Oliver Harris. I'd heard of Oliver Harris; he'd made a lot of money doing something or other overseas, and his reputation tended toward that of the adventurous explorer. Even though his nephew had broken off the engagement, Mr. Harris had continued to treat Miss Kent like family, though he was prevented by some legal maneuver by the nephew from actually naming her in his will. That, she explained, was why he'd left everything to this Alice person. It had allowed him to both disinherit his cad of a nephew and remember Miss Kent indirectly, as Miss Kent was Alice's personal companion.

"Now I'm worried Jeremy might do something to hurt Alice," she continued, wringing her hanky. "She's very old and rather defenseless. Right now she's up at the cabin, but I'm just so worried. We'll be moving to Oliver's estate near Miami soon. I trust we'll be safe there, but until then…"

"Mr. Goodwin will go and guard her," Wolfe volunteered. "Miss Harris will be perfectly safe in his hands." 

They both looked at me expectantly. "Sure," I said. "I'll go stay with the lady." What else could I say? 

The office door opened. We all looked up. Saul was standing there in the doorway, hat in hand, looking awkward. I'd forgotten all about him. I looked at my watch. Six-twenty-five. He must have decided to come in after me after I didn't show in ten minutes. 

"How fortuitous," Wolfe said. "Take Saul with you, Archie. That is, if he didn't come with certain other business in mind?" 

Saul looked at me, panicked, like he thought he'd have to explain his intentions for me to Wolfe. I introduced Miss Kent and told the story. Saul looked substantially relieved. I tried sending apology messages with my eyes, but I'm not sure he was looking. At least I'd already packed my overnight bag. I grabbed it, tipped my hat to Miss Kent, and beat it. 

As soon as we were in the car, I apologized to Saul with words. 

"It's no problem," he said, as he navigated us through the Friday evening traffic and out of the city. "A long drive might be nice."

I noticed he didn't say, "Sitting with an old lady whose nephew is trying to kill her might be nice." But I appreciated Saul's attempt to make the most of a bad situation. As the roads got more country and the sky got darker, I slid across the seat and relaxed against his shoulder. He seemed to appreciate that. 

It was past eight when we reached the place Miss Kent had directed us to. The little cabin was dark and deserted. Maybe the old lady was already in bed. 

We knocked first, then we tried the key Miss Kent had given us.

"Miss Harris?" I called. There was no answer. 

"I'll try to find the lights," Saul said. He moved away from me and began feeling on the wall. My foot hit something and knocked it over. I felt something soft spill over my shoe. The lights came on. It was a bowl. There were carrots and lettuce all over the floor at my feet. 

I was starting to wonder about Aunt Alice. 

The room we were in appeared to be the first of two rooms in the cabin, a combination living room, dining room, and kitchen. Saul crossed the room and opened the door, presumably to a bedroom. A small leathery head emerged. It swung its long neck up to regard Saul and the plodded out of the bedroom as if it had been waiting all this time for him to open the door. 

It was a turtle. The biggest turtle I'd ever seen. The top of its craggy shell would have reached my knees. With no great hurry, it plodded over to me and began eating the salad at my feet.

"There's nobody else in there," Saul said, emerging from the bedroom. 

I looked down again, taking in the bowl. The turtle didn't seem to care that the bowl was upside down, but now I could see what was written on the side. 

ƎƆI˥∀

I righted the bowl. 

"This is Alice," I said. Alice looked up at me like she understood her name. 

"That's Alice?" 

I turned the bowl so Saul could see it. Alice chomped away, oblivious. We were looking at the richest reptile in the State of New York.

This definitely demanded a report. I drove into town and found a deli that was still open where I could use the telephone. 

"Alice is a turtle," I said as soon as Wolfe came on the line. 

"She is a tortoise, Archie. Turtles are primarily aquatic; tortoises are terrestrial. Alice comes originally from a desert island. She is a tortoise."

"So you knew all this?"

"Yes, Miss Kent mentioned it after you left. She asked me quite innocently if I thought perhaps you and Saul were under mistaken assumptions with regards to Alice's species." 

"I thought she was an old lady."

"Mr. Harris has had her for over forty years; he was told she was nearly one hundred when he received her. She is indeed a very old lady." 

Wolfe gave me some additional instructions about the care and feeding of Alice and I hung up. I bought some sandwiches for Saul and me and some more fruits and veggies for Alice. Wolfe had mentioned that she loved bananas. If she loved bananas, bananas she would get. At least somebody deserved to be happy tonight. 

Back at the cabin, I found Saul relaxing on the couch, listening to the radio, Alice's head in his lap. I frowned. That should be my head in his lap.

"She's actually kind of nice," he said absently, scratching her under the chin. "She's been sleeping."

"Mmhm," I grunted. "Well, here's some food." I didn't like the way Saul was going gooey over some reptile. I wanted him to go gooey over me.

Saul raised an eyebrow. "You jealous, Archie?"

"No." I was. 

He smiled. "We don't have to watch her constantly. Just keep an eye on the place. I'll give you some attention later, okay?" 

"Okay." I reached into my bag and held out a carrot for Alice. "C'mon, girl, out of my spot." I guess we were the same, Alice and me. The promise of Saul's attentions later was my carrot. 

Alice followed the carrot and I led her back to her bowl, into which I dumped the rest of my load. Now that Alice was fed, Saul and I could get into the sandwiches. 

"I guess we'd be over dessert now," I said, gnawing on pastrami on rye. 

Saul fed Alice some lettuce he'd saved from his sandwich. "And miss the fine company here?" 

"I'm fine company," I said. 

"Yeah, you are." He kissed me. I was getting the impression that we'd moved beyond dessert. Or maybe I was dessert. 

"There's a bed in there," I said. 

Saul grunted. "I noticed." He was kissing my neck now, which is something I like quite a lot. His hands were in my hair. Maybe this would work out after all, change in location and meal plans aside. My hand went to the back of his neck. You might not know to look at him, but Saul is a fantastic kisser.

Something nudged my foot. I looked down. Alice was looking up at me.

"He's mine," I told her.

Saul started work on my tie.

"I vote we decamp to the bed," I said. "Any objections?" 

He had none. And I made sure to close the door against prying eyes. 

What happened next more than made up for the other things that went wrong that evening. I found out a couple of things I hadn't already known about Saul, and I think he got an education, too. A heavy winter rain was drumming on the roof, but Saul made a pretty good bed-warmer. 

I didn't even realize I'd fallen asleep until something woke me up. Saul was already sitting up beside me. 

"There's a car," he said quietly.

I got up. "Think it's the nephew?" 

He was already out of bed and getting dressed. I followed. "I say we get Alice out first and then find out." 

He went into the front room while I was dressing and came back with his pockets full of fruit, leading Alice along with a banana. "Here." He handed me my coat and hat. He'd filled the pockets with carrots. "I'll open the door." He stepped around the bed and jimmied the back door open. 

My life had taken a new turn toward the absurd. It was still pouring rain and I was soaked instantly. I had no idea what time it was or how long we'd been asleep—it was full dark and there was very little moonlight. I wasn't even sure what direction the lake was in. I just kept plodding along, trying not to let my shoes slip on the slick mud, making sure Alice was keeping pace with me.

"There's a boat tied up at the lake," I heard Saul say, though I wasn't sure where he was. "We can stash her in there." 

It was a little cabin cruiser, not that we had a key. It seemed like a sad final resting place for such a beauty. I wondered what would become of it, what with Alice and Miss Kent flitting for Florida. Neither looked like the boating type.

Saul's plan was easier said than done. He is smart, a quick-thinking genius, and I adore him very much. But he, perhaps, hadn't stopped to think about how much Alice might weigh. 

There we stood, on the dock, Alice munching happily on the rest of Saul's banana. She had to weigh five hundred pounds. We didn't stand a chance of lifting her. 

"Come on," I said to Alice. "You can step in there. It's not that big of a step." I lifted my leg to demonstrate. 

Saul reached over and snatched a carrot from my pocket. I suppose the way we'd spent the past few hours granted him such familiarity. Then, he climbed into the boat. I should have realized Alice would pay more attention to him than to me. She placed her front paws on the side of the boat and, with unexpected grace, climbed over the edge.

"Good girl," Saul cooed. "Archie, give her another carrot."

I climbed into the boat and produced one from my pocket. Alice gobbled it down and took a little bit of Goodwin along with it.

"She bit me!"

"It's dark. Besides, your finger looks like a carrot." 

If I hadn't gotten so used to kissing him, I might have hit him. He'd seemed pretty happy with my fingers a short while ago.

We waited like that for a while, two men and a tortoise. The car we'd heard coming up the drive was parked next to ours, its headlights shining on the house. The man driving it had gone inside. 

I was starting to get tired of waiting. Maybe I could scare him away, if he knew Alice had protection. Then Saul and I could get back to bed. I'd been enjoying sleeping, but now I was wide awake and figured I could go another round. 

"I'm going to check things out. I'll leave you two lovebirds alone." I vaulted back out onto the dock. 

I stalked back up the house. At least I was armed. I hadn't asked Saul, but I expected he hadn't come to pick me up for our date packing. Though you can never be sure with this crowd. 

The man I assumed was Jeremy Harris was now coming out of the house. As a layman, in the rain, it was possible he hadn't seen me. He was tramping through the garden, looking under the porch. I could tell from the state of the bushes that Alice probably enjoyed spending time there on sunnier days. 

"Jeremy Harris?" 

His head snapped up and he squinted at me through the rain. "Who the hell are you?" 

"Archie Goodwin."

"This is private property. You're trespassing." 

"I'm afraid that's you." I pushed back my saturated hat. "I work for Nero Wolfe, who has been hired by Miss Veronica Kent, who is the legal guardian and trustee for the owner of this property." 

"Where's the animal?"

I crossed my arms over my chest. "Now, why should I tell you that?" 

He declined to answer that question, instead electing to lunge at me. I dodged out of the way, hoping to spend him sprawling down the hill, but I didn't count on the mud. My ankle twisted, I slipped, and we both went rolling down the hill. Someone had even had the gall to leave a large rock at the bottom of the hill on which I cracked my head pretty hard. When I was able to sit up again and verified I could still see, Harris had disappeared.

Then I heard a shout of pain and a motor start. I hauled myself up, blinking off the wooziness and the rain from my eyes. I was not about to start a search for my hat. The boat was moving away from the dock and I could see a figure that wasn't Saul behind the wheel. 

"Archie." I'd never heard Saul sound like that and it got me moving. I sprinted for the dock. He was lying there, blood seeping from his hairline.

"Right here," I said, dropping next to him. 

"You have to go after them." He pointed vaguely at the boat, which was now approaching the middle of the lake.

Saul had slipped back into unconsciousness. I checked to make sure he was still alive and bundled up my coat to put under his head. It was the only thing I could do right now. I had a tortoise to save. I pulled my shoes off, but didn't bother removing anything else. It was all wet already, anyhow. Then it was into the lake.

A fully-dressed man swimming out to stop a man trying to push a five-hundred pound weight is not a suspenseful contest of heart-stopping speed. I think Harris intended to push Alice off the back, but I'd already learned hours ago that if Alice didn't want to go somewhere, she wasn't going anywhere. 

I scrambled over the side and tackled Harris. Alice watched impassively as we grappled. One of the carrots fell out of my pocket and she snagged it once we'd rolled off some distance. You have to admire that kind of coolness under fire.

Eventually, I managed to subdue him. Normally, I'm better at this, but I was hampered somewhat by the conditions. I managed to bind his hands and feet with some of the rope I found on the deck. Then I had to get the boat under control and pointed back toward land. Saul had gained a companion on the dock and there was a car from the county sheriff's there, too. 

I got out of the boat once docked and Alice followed. She seemed to be getting the hang of it now. I would have to tell Wolfe that this tortoise was definitely aquatic. As soon as we reached the shore, the pair of deputies took Mr. Harris away. 

"Bob Lewis." The man who'd joined Saul reached out to shake my hand. "I live across the lake. Heard the boat start up and called the coppers myself. I knew it couldn't be no good going on. Miss Kent doesn't take the boat out so it's been sitting since old Oliver died." 

I introduced us and explained our purposes. Saul was coming around then and together, Bob Lewis and I got him up and brought him back inside. Alice followed. We laid Saul on the bed, which hopefully didn't look much like it had been anything other than slept in. Alice did her hind legs trick again, resting her head on Saul's chest. I thought this was admirable loyalty on her part, until I realized her real objective: extracting an apple slice from his breast pocket. 

Saul scratched her chin. I was barely jealous anymore. 

"That's one smart turtle," Mr. Lewis said. 

"Tortoise," I corrected.

**

Our second stint in the bed wasn't as nice as our first, but we made do. We were both tired and did more actual sleeping than anything else, but by the time I woke, Saul was snuggled up close to me in a fashion I figured I could get used to with repeated exposure. 

"Well, this was a fun little vacation," I said, lifting his hair to check out the cut that wasn't as bad as it had seemed last night. I kissed his forehead. 

"Can we take another where I don't get bashed over the head?"

"I'll take it under advisement." 

Eventually, we dragged ourselves out of bed and freshened up to the best of our abilities. I had dry clothes, but poor Saul didn't, as we'd planned to go back to his place.

"I had things set up nice, you know," he said, buttoning up his still-damp shirt, even though it had spent the night hanging over the radiator. "Thought we'd have a few drinks, play a few records." 

"Maybe some other time," I said, stuffing my muddy clothes into my bag. So much for the new suit. "Maybe we're not dinner-and-a-movie guys. Maybe we need another dating strategy."

Saul rubbed his chin. He had at least an eleven o'clock shadow and his hair was sticking up in more than one place. We definitely weren't dinner-and-a-movie guys. "Probably not," he agreed. "But you know, Archie, I like you anyway."

I kissed him. That was good enough for me. 

The most eventful part of our return trip was getting Alice into the car. I filled her bowl up and set it on the floor of the backseat. The floor back there was pretty wide, but it would be a tight fit. (Saul had refused my first suggestion of the trunk.) We managed it with me draped across the backseat, doing the carrot trick. Alice seemed content as long as her salad was within reach, though she wasn't going far, what with the widest part of her shell being about the same as the distance between the seats. 

Getting Alice out of the car and into the brownstone was quite the traffic stopper. Everybody wanted to see what business a tortoise had with Nero Wolfe. Miss Kent was already on her feet in the office by the time we had (very slowly) made our way down the hall. 

"Oh, Alice!" She dropped to her knees and threw her arms around Alice's neck. I thought that I would almost miss the old girl. 

Saul knelt next to her, patting her shell and feeding her his last banana. Yeah. Almost.

**

When their ride came, Saul and I saw Miss Kent and Alice to the door. I thought Alice would enjoy Florida. Lots of fruit there.

"I think I'll go," Saul said. His clothes were starting to stiffen. 

"Okay. I'll call you." I figured this was still standard procedure, even if we'd taken a mulligan on the dinner date thing.

He kissed me. "You know, you still sort of smell like a lake." 

After he was gone, I took a shower, chucked my muddy waterlogged date suit, and got a glass of milk. Then I was back at my desk. Business as usual. The Friday night magic was over, the harsh glare of Saturday afternoon upon us.

Several minutes passed before Wolfe spoke. "I trust you had an interesting evening, Archie." 

"Oh, it was interesting all right." I paged through my notebook. It was still damp and some of the pages were stuck together. I started flapping it around until Wolfe glowered at me. 

With admirable restraint, he said, "Were you able to speak with the person with whom you had the engagement?" 

"Oh yeah. We touched base. Though I may never get another reservation at that restaurant after being a no-show." 

Wolfe sniffed. "You would find better food here than in any restaurant."

"So is that blanket permission to bring my dates here?"

"Archie, you are, as always utterly transparent."

He knew. Damn him, he knew. I stopped shaking the notebook and peeled two more pages apart, casual-like. "Okay. Parade of dates, coming through." 

He narrowed his eyes at me. Okay. So maybe Saul and I weren't cut out for regular dates, but I knew I could get him dinner, and it would probably be the best damn show in town.


End file.
